COMPANY MEMO
RE: Wifi-Gate
FROM: Office of the President & CEO
TO: Never Bored, All Staff
Dear Never Bored team,
As President and CEO, I would like to directly address the recent Wifi fiasco and publicly respond so that our shareholders can ensure I am reacting to the event with appropriate levels of sobriety.
It has come to our attention that the company’s Wifi has been completely offline for a total of 408 hours, during which no employee noticed, or even attempted to use the internet. After careful investigation, we have concluded that all of this was, unsurprisingly, Ricky’s fault.
According to several eyewitness accounts, him and his team have been attempting to recreate that scene in Wall-E where Eve and the titular character soar amongst the constellations to the indelibly composed soundtrack of “Define Dancing.” Their efforts led them to acquire a non-negligible amount of magnetized material, which they were strictly prohibited from storing near electronic devices. Well, you can guess what happened next.
To argue Ricky’s side (something I rarely do), this oversight would have been immediately caught in a regular company, where the employees surely would have clocked a malfunctioning Wifi within seconds of its outage. However, it appears that the Never Bored staff is not like most companies and somehow believes that it’s acceptable, common even, to not log into their emails, Slack, or other digital accounts. I want to make my response to such abnormal, non-efficient behavior VERY VERY CLEAR.
I am so proud of each and every one of you.
We didn’t build Never Bored so you’d all stare at screens and send bureaucratic emails back and forth to each other (unless you wanted to). We built it so that boredom would have to fight for its life! Each of you has an innate instinct for what brings life to the world, and you know in your hearts that doom-scrolling and CRM’s are morale killers. I don’t know what you’ve been doing and how you’ve been spending the last 408 hours — but I want you to keep doing it! Avoid the internet. Stay analog. Use pen and paper. Take a walk. Talk in person and at the water cooler.
So, for now, we are deciding to keep the Wi-Fi off. Should you need access to the Internet, there will be ethernet cables available in the storage closet next to the board games and particle colliders. Just be careful not to suck your cubicle neighbors into the digital void with you.
As for Ricky… I’m still mad that you broke the Wifi — but I’m impressed how you revealed we never needed it in the first place. As a result, we are awarding you with the first ever Cheese Router Award — a trophy in the shape of a Wifi router made entirely of cheddar. Since you are lactose intolerant, this works simultaneously as a gift and a punishment. Hopefully, that’ll teach you to put your magnets away yourself instead of telling the intern to just “shove it in a closet somewhere.”
Unplugged and unbothered,
Your CEO
Sent from my rotary phone
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